1974 - Flesh Gordon

One of the very first posts I did on this blog was a now removed pathetic collection of pictures and badly formatted twaddle about the classic, exploitation/softcore porn classic, Flesh Gordon. The readers of this fine blog, as well as the movie itself deserve far better then that, and so here is a completely updated, brand spanking new look at this great bit of 70’s cheese….

Warning, minor nudity ahead, but then again, it's Flesh Gordon, so really, you should have known that.

Flesh Gordon, Movie Poster (1974)

It’s sometime in the mid-1930’s and along with the Depression and the clouds of war gathering in Europe, a new menace threatens the entire Earth, when from seemingly out of nowhere the planet is beset by a strange type of radiation in the form of a “beam” that causes whoever is subjected to it to go sexually berserk.

Here's the original R rated trailer.

In city after city, normal citizens going about their business suddenly find themselves in the middle of wanton orgies in the middle of the street and even innocent newspaper boys aren’t safe from the sexually crazed mobs.

Innocent paperboys molested

Scientists from around the world, led by the brilliant Professor Gordon do what they can to find a defense against this so-called “Sex Ray”, but mostly find themselves shifting uncomfortably in their chairs and breathing a little funny.

A worried public consults with Professor Gordon

Meanwhile, Flesh Gordon, the ice hockey player son of Professor Gordon is heading back to New York to report on his discovery of a mysterious beam of light emanating from apparently outer space, inside of a small passenger plane. 

Our hero, Flesh Gordon, blows a bubble

Flesh a good looking, athletic blonde, with blue eyes and a square jaw, looks the all American that he is, and the passenger in the seat next to him, the beautiful and also blonde socialite, Dale Ardor is immediately smitten with our brave hero.

A sudden introduction

But before nature can take its natural course the plane is struck by the dreaded sex ray sending all of the passengers into the throws of sexual abandon, with even the crew leaving their posts to join in the wanton orgy in the passenger compartment, sending the plane into a deadly nosedive.

The dreaded Sex Ray at work

Only Flesh is able to keep his composure and after forcing the now sex crazed and mostly undressed Dale into a parachute the two leap from the plane and slowly drift to the ground below, while the plane crashes in the distance.

After landing the ever gallant Flesh places his coat over the now mostly undressed Dale and the two begin making their way towards a small house on top of a nearby hill, when suddenly out of the shadows a strange little man with a thick beard, a crazed look and a large pistol in his hand confronts the young pair accusing them of being spies sent to steal his top secret space drive, which he proceeds to tell them all about, including showing them the plans.

Realizing that he is talking to the son of the famous Professor Gordon the man tells the couple that he is Doctor Flexi Jerkoff, one of the professor’s colleagues. 

Dr. Flexi Jerkoff

The three talk more about the sex ray, and then taking Dale by the breast, the slightly crazed doctor leads the pair to his laboratory.

Jerkoff explains how he survived the sex ray while alone

Back at Jerkoff’s lab, and still not doing a very good job of keeping his hands to himself, Jerkoff shows Flash and Dale his evidence proving the existence of a planet hidden in outer space where the sex ray is originating from.

More importantly Jerkoff has built an experimental space ship, with a special design to help move smoothly, yet firmly through the tight folds of hyperspace.

A specially designed space craft

Deciding to team-up to find the source of the Earth’s troubles, the three soon are onboard the interplanetary craft and making their way out of Earth’s gravity.

At first the flight goes smoothly as the ship cuts its way through outer space making its way toward the distant threat. But suddenly out of nowhere the dreaded sex beam hits the defenseless ship with all of its force, sending Flesh, Dale and Jerkoff into a spasm of sexual excess. Luckily though, the ships course holds and while the trio is otherwise occupied the ship continues on its way to their mysterious destination.

Making friends

In final approach to the planet where the beam originated, the ship slips out of the field of the sex ray, allowing our intrepid heroes time to recover, find their underwear, well okay, except for Dale, who is still happily naked, and get back on mission.

Our heroes

Unfortunately, as the ship approaches the planet, it is detected by forces on the surface below who send ships of their own to force down Jerkoff’s ship.

Under attack

Forced into a crash landing, with solders from the dragon ship in close, but slightly over organized pursuit, the trio desert their ship and hide in a nearby cave.

Losing their pursuers, the trio make their way deeper into the cave until they find themselves in a oddly smooth walled chamber with what resemble, colorful veins running along the surface.

Suddenly the team is attacked on all sides by several large and angry one eyed monsters, the terrible Peinosaur.

A scary one-eyed monster

The creatures attack all three of the pair, but seem to take a special interest in Dale.

Things are looking mighty glum for our heroes, but just when it looks like they are doomed to a one eyed fate worse then death, they are rescued by the men who had been pursuing them through the caves, saving them but also leaving them prisoners.

The trio is taken to a frightening looking castle, somewhere on the planet, where they are taken to a throne room with a full on orgy going on in the center, and with a strange and mysterious figure sitting on a throne, watching the proceedings.

The rotten Emperor Wang

This is the Emperor Wang, who informs the team that they are on the planet Porno.

When the trio try to show their peaceful intentions the evil Wang scoffs at their attempts and tells them of his plan to destroy the universe one planet at a time using his sex beam as revenge on a cruel universe that allowed a terrible accident to befall him when he his member was devoured by a penis fly trap.

The Royal Court

Deciding to keep the scrumptious Dale, Wang orders Jerkoff to be taken to his labs as a science slave, and has Flesh thrown into a nearby pit to fight to the death against a trio of dildo wearing she beasts.

Oh No!! Scary Beast Women

But luck is with Flesh when suddenly the planet Porno’s most powerful sorcereress, Amora, Queen of Magic appears.

Amora, Queen of Magic

Teleporting Flesh out of Wang’s castle and into her swan shaped ship, Amora ministers our heroes wounds in her own special manner.

The best care available

Meanwhile back at Wang’s castle, while his troops search for Amora’s ship, Wang occupies himself with torturing Dale in a machine of his own devising that uses feathers to tickle his prisoners into insanity. Soon enough though, Amora’s ship is located and when Wang leaves Dale and Jerkoff alone with a single guard Jerkoff quickly overcomes the guard and unable to free Dale, makes his escape.

Taken by surprise Amora’s ship is shot down by Wang’s men and crashes into the ground below where Flash survives, but sadly Amora is killed.

A dastardly attack

Back at the castle to celebrate the death of Amora and supposedly Flesh Gordon, Wang prepares to marry Dale and make her his slave.

At the crash site Flesh, now dressed in Amora’s cloths, is found by Jerkoff who tells him of Wang’s plan to marry Dale. As the pair head back towards the castle, the sprit of Amora appears before the duo and gives them her most powerful weapon to use against the evil Wang, the incredible Power Pasties.

Promising to wear them with honor, Jerkoff accepts the pasties and Amora moves on to the next plane.

The incredible Power Pasties

As Flesh and Jerkoff, now in more traditional heroic clothing, make their way back into the castle, Wang is working himself into a perverted frenzy while Dale tries to resist his “marriage” ceremony.

Wedding cheerleaders are always a sign of class

Just as Wang’s equally perverted “Bishop” finished the wedding, Flesh and Jerkoff burst in and through the ceremony into total havoc.

But lucks not with the trio and while threatening Wang, his evil priest, drops Flesh and Jerkoff down a hole in the floor and into a pit below, and Dale is kidnapped, yet again, this time by a series of lesbian revolutionaries, ruled over by the one eyed, one legged and one armed, Chief Nellie, who decides to have Dale initiated into their Sapphic rites.

The warrior chief

While Dale is being ravaged by the warrior women, Flesh and Jerkoff finally emerge from the pit not far from where Dale is and rush to her rescue, saving her, a bit too late from her latest threat.

No sooner do the warrior women flee then the trio is attacked by a huge bug warrior with a sword who Flesh finds himself in a fight to the death against.

The Bug Warrior

Although Flesh fights valiantly, he is no match for the faster, stronger, creature and just when it looks like it’s all over, an arrow suddenly pierces the beast killing it.

Prince Precious and his Merry Men

The team is rescued by the brave Prince Precious, the rightful ruler of Porno and his men. Precious had been fighting a war against Wang and sees in Flesh a potential partner in stopping the perverted usurper. And the two seal their new friendship on the flight to the Prince’s headquarters.

Sealing a new friendship

Soon everyone is getting settled in at the Prince’s camp, Flesh and Dale are busy meeting everyone while Jerkoff takes to the lab to use the Power Pasties to develop some kind of weapon to use against Wang’s forces and destroy the dreaded sex ray.

Dale, making, friends

With their new weapon in place the team, plus Precious and his men make their way to Castle Wang. The pilot though is actually an agent of Wang and after sabotaging the ship leaps to safety using an emergency umbrella, leaving the rest of the passengers to crash into Wang’s castle.

After a brief intermission, we rejoin the action only to discover that after Flesh found a stash of emergency umbrellas, the entire crew was able to land safely near Wang’s castle.

A last second escape

Soon after winning a vicious umbrella battle Flesh and his allies make their way into Wang’s palace only to have, Flesh, Dale, Jerkoff and Precious trapped in a room with a rapidly opening floor and a swirling flow of water below. The team is flushed into a series of pipes and after what seems an eternity emerge in the sewers below the castle.

Precious though knows the castle inside and out and with his help the team make their way to the throne room where they confront Wang and his mass of perverted conga dancers.

Just when it looks like the team has won the day Wang escapes long enough to unleash one of his most dangerous threats, the rapidly revolving terror of the Rapist Robots.

Careful, those could put an eye out

As the team makes short work of the mechanical menaces, Wang makes his way to a hidden chamber where he performs the rite that summons his most powerful weapon, the dreaded, but soft spoken, Murder Monster of Porno.

The Murder Monster

The beast heads out to kill the team but is taken aback when he sees Dale, abandoning his plan and taking Dale to his pad, the Tower of Death to get to know her a bit better.

Using one of Wang’s ships, Flesh, Precious and Jerkoff, use their new destroy beam on the creature, saving Dale and sending it falling to its doom. Destroying Wang’s castle, sex ray and Wang in the process.

With Porno free, the sex beam destroyed and Prince Precious restored to his rightful throne, Flesh, Dale and Jerkoff make their goodbyes, climb aboard their ship and begin their voyage back to the now once again safe, planet Earth.

Released in 1974, directed by the team of Howard Ziehm and screenwriter Michael Benveniste, with special effects by a young Rick Baker and a crew of upcoming special effects people who would work on projects from Star Wars to Alien in the coming years, and with costumes and make-up by  long time Star Trek ultra-fan, Bjo Trimble, Flesh Gordon is a bright, bold, smutty, dumb as hell except when it’s being sneakily smart, piece of independent film-making, that glories in it’s “Hey kids, let’s put on a show” attitude, while giving the folks sitting through the second part at many a drive-in double feature, a silly, semi-sexy good time.

Production still of Suzanne Fields doing her best Faye Wray

Leads, Jason Williams and Suzanne Fields, are never going to win an Oscar, or even get a big role in the local civic theatre production, but these two adult film stars of the very early 70’s go at their roles with conviction and straight faces with tongues firmly in cheek.

Jason Williams defending Suzanne Fields from Rapist Robots

It’s clear to watch from their performances that both actors were having a ball playing roles that were a lot meatier and a lot more fun then the normal bump and grind of porn loops.

Playing Dr. Flexi Jerkoff, Joseph Hudgins, is a total goof, but a likable one.

Again, not a great actor, but Hudgins makes up for lack of skill with a happy willingness to chew every bit of scenery he gets with-in ten feet of, making for a loud, and wacky performance, that’s both over the top and loveable, like a creepy uncle who tells funny jokes.

Just as over the top as Hudgins, William Hunt’s Wang, is a hoot.

William Hunt as Wang, the Perverted

Twisted, evil, perverted and just plain weird, Wang happily answers to the title,  “Your Assholiness”, and does his best to live up to his duties.

With great character bits from Candy Samples, Lance Larsen, Mycle Brandy, John Hoyt and Craig T Nelson as the voice of the Murder Monster,  Flesh Gordon gives a whole slew of strippers, hustlers, porn stars and prostitutes a chance to shine for a moment of mid-70’s silliness that despite all of it’s weaknesses, or maybe even because,  is great fun and well worth the watching.

The Murder Monster at his swinging bachelor pad

Let's take a look at  that final sequence.....